You know you've lived in Thailand when...

Tick what applies

1. 1You put ice in your beer.
2. 2You look both ways when crossing a one-way street.
3. 3You can spot a ladyboy.
4. 4You take her home anyway.
5. 5You have brought soup home in a plastic bag.
6. 6You eat with a spoon. The fork is for pushing.
7. 7You have said “mai pet” and still had to stop talking for a minute.
8. 8You have wai’d a 7-Eleven cashier.
9. 9You own at least three umbrellas, all from 7-Eleven, all bought in a downpour.
10. 10You know what day it is by the colour of the shirts on the BTS.
11. 11You have stood still for the anthem at 6pm and judged the tourist who didn’t.
12. 12You have put on a jacket because it dropped to 24 degrees.
13. 13You have been abroad, reached for the bum gun, and felt genuinely alone.
14. 14You have been to a farewell party for someone who is still here.
15. 15You call a visa run a holiday.
16. 16You know your 90-day date better than your mother’s birthday.
17. 17You have been to Immigration at 6am and not been first in the queue.
18. 18You have paid the fine at a checkpoint on the spot and said thank you.
19. 19You own a helmet. You have never done it up.
20. 20You step into the road when a motorbike comes down the pavement, and it feels normal.
21. 21You went to the hospital for a cold and left 25 minutes later with four kinds of pills.
22. 22A landlord has kept two months of a three-month deposit and you called that a good result.
23. 23You have heard about the sick buffalo. You once nearly paid for it.
24. 24You know the difference between a 300-baht massage and a 300-baht “massage”, and which soi has which.
25. 25You have been offered a ping pong show so many times you have a prepared answer.
26. 26You know Silom Soi 4 and Sukhumvit Soi 4 are completely different nights, and you have done both.
27. 27You have been to Pattaya “just for the beach”.
28. 28Your “one drink” on Thonglor ended in a karaoke booth singing Hotel California with a stranger who is now your dentist.
29. 29You have walked away from a mango over 10 baht.
30. 30You stopped converting prices into your own currency. Then started again when the rent went up.
31. 31A taxi has asked “where you go?”, heard the answer, and driven off.
32. 32You have waited 40 minutes for a Grab because of eight drops of rain.
33. 33You have seen a monk smoking a cigarette and checking his iPhone, and nothing about it seemed odd.
34. 34You say “same same” without irony, then “but different” without being asked.
35. 35You have said “up to you” to a waiter, and it worked.
36. 36Your Thai covers numbers, ordering and apologising, and you have described yourself as fluent.
37. 37Someone has called you farang in a room where you were the only one, and you answered.
38. 38A girlfriend’s cousin has come to dinner, and you paid.
39. 39You sleep through monsoons, power cuts and the street party downstairs, but not the rooster.
40. 40Half your friends are people you met at a comedy open mic, and you still count them as friends.